


no, this is patrick

by softidiot



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King, SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Inspired by Frozen (2013), Inspired by My Immortal, Inspired by Romeo and Juliet, M/M, Maybe fluff, Mentions of Other Super Smash Brothers Characters, Mentions of Other Voltron Paladins, Mentions of neglect, Strangers to Lovers, Texting!AU, idk yet, mentions of other relationships, patrick is a starfish, richie is pan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-02-07 12:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12841599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softidiot/pseuds/softidiot
Summary: Richie Tozier was certain that he could handle the responsibility of getting Eddie’s new phone number into his phone. Partick Star needs someone to talk to while Spongebob is at work.





	1. #number

partic woke in the eary morning wit a new massage one his she’ll phone. the un-non number sayed “hey bb, wat’s the hpps”  
pat rick waz comphused. ‘whom is dis fsh!’ he thot. dedicating it wax a pranck, he died noting. little died he no dat ‘fsih’ world l8er br the luv of his lofe


	2. you breathe air and have the wrong number

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Richie’s side of the story looks like in comparison to Patrick’s

Eddie had recently got a new phone after having his mom “accidentally” throw his old one into a river. It’s not as though she had _no_ reason to throw the phone in, per se. Her son had received an inappropriate joke that implied drugs and sex. Obviously her son’s no good friends would text about that kind of stuff. The boy had left to go to the bathroom before, PLOP, bye bye iPhone.

After being phoneless for two weeks, Eddie got his new phone, which came with a new number. First thing Richie did when the smaller boy got the phone was ask for his number. The latter insisted on writing it down on a piece of paper, but the curly haired boy declined the offer and instead wrote it down on his palm for him to remember.

What he didn’t intend to happen was the number getting smeared due to his sweaty palm. Though the characters were disfigured, Richie still attempted to text Eddie when he returned home. Simply, he texted his friend, “hey eds, whattup?”

He waited a half hour for a response, letting the time pass while he scrolled through tumblr.com. Not to brag, but Richie was actually quite popular on Tumblr. The blog he ran was mainly aesthetic based, with a pastel pink background, flowers for a header, and a picture of Ben’s back covered by a jumper as his icon. His posts mainly consisted of pictures he took, stories about his day, or him talking about being a part of the lgbtq+ community - being pansexual and all.

What his followers didn’t know is that he also ran a popping meme page. That blog of his was all over the place, his background was light blue, his header was a bunch of Pepe pictures photoshopped together, his icon was the “you know i had to do it to ‘em” guy and his title was just a Lenny Face.

Finally, he received a response from Eddie, or so he thought. Instead, the message said, “no, this is patrick.”

Richie was dumbfounded, that sentence made no sense! He wasn’t asking who he was, the boy already stated it was addressed to ‘Eds’, and it was a question about how he was. But instead of telling ‘Patrick’ that, he replied, “whoop, got the wrong number, sorry.”

Before he could head out to shamefully ask Eddie for his number again, he got a message saying, “can i continue to text you please?”

Immediately, he was conflicted. Should he continue talking to this stranger, or instead just decline the suggestion and talk to the person he intended on talking to. “sure, ig,” he decided to say. Though his parents weren’t very present in his life, Mike was basically a father figure for him and had told him many times to always to be nice to others.

Little did he know that this one decision would permanently change his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading another chapter! Share this with your friends if you want, live your life! Have a great day :)


	3. hots for a human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two get to texting

after sexting te strainer for only a cuppool minuets, parti k learned tart he was named “ritchie”. the too dicused there internet’s an patrick even get richy’s tumbler url! off what only seamed lick a few seconds, ghey had taked for near-lee a our. after an momentum of pounding, patrek thinked that mayb he shold sent a picture.   
he toke a change and sharesd a selfish! partrick bite he’s nails waitering for a reponse. finally, she gotten one !! it said “u look like a dildo”. paterk waz flattered. “send a pic of yourself !” he ondemand the fellowships fish. he anxietyly waited fro the pcture.  
wen it aribed, patrick’s jaw DROPRD. tha “fesh” was actually a,,, “homan!!!” and a damned finn one if u asked partick ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: I was super excited about the dildo line, lol.  
> Thanks again for reading and I hope you have a fantastic day!


	4. dick pic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the way, they’re aged up to be like,, 17

To say Patrick Star is incredibly stupid is an understatement. The starfish constantly misspelled words and never corrected those mistakes. His answers to questions we valid, but the way he typed them seemed a bit… off. Richie would ask him, “what’s your favorite show?”

The response he received from that was, “yea, i lick tv.” Richie was on the verge of giving up on trying to have a decent conversation, when his phone went off with a notification. Patrick had sent a picture to him and the curly haired boy was hesitant to open it, but did anyways. What appeared on his screen appalled him.

The guy who was practically a stranger had just sent him a Dick Pic. Instead of blocking the number, he thought of taking a different approach. “why the fuck did you sent me a picture of your dick?” he sent before turning off his phone.

With barely a moment of hesitation, he got a response, “rhat’s my face!” The boy didn’t want to look again, but he felt obliged to. So he examined the picture again, this time closely. It contained a pink, dull point. Patrick’s face was freckled and he had two, large eyes. It seemed as though he had no teeth or a nose. ‘This must be fake’ Richie thought.

Nevertheless, Richie sent a picture of himself. The photo was of him sitting with his legs crossed on a bed that did not belong to him, instead it was Bill’s; a large smile on his face while sun rays shone through the blinds. It had caused him to have only a stripe pattern, though you could still see his face quite clearly. He was flipping off Beverly when the picture was captured by Mike, but she wasn’t in shot (though he hoped Patrick would get the point that, in this circumstance, it was actually directed towards the pink sea creature). The shirt he was wearing that day had brown stains on it from being reckless, which contrasted from the newly perfect white shit he’d recently bought. A faded, blue, denim jacket covered majority of his arms, but he did have the sleeves rolled up a tad. He wore black skinny jeans — although they were a size too large and just looked like regular pants.

Though Richie was the center of the picture, you could see parts of some other people. Stan’s contained curly hair could be seen in the top, right corner, indicating that he was facing away while standing — presumably talking to someone else. At the bottom of the picture, right on Richie’s lap, laid the head of a boy that had unknowingly brought the boy and starfish together. In the picture, Eddie smiled up at his idiotic friend with adoration in his soft, brown eyes.

Patrick’s response to the picture was odd, different from any other texts he sent. With perfect English Patrick said, “That’s a really great picture of you, feel free to send more anytime.” That was what really caused Richie to believe, ‘this starfish, this motherfucking starfish, is involved is some sort of trouble.’ Though he couldn’t decipher whether he was trouble or in it, he decided maybe it was a good time to stop responding to the messages.

When Richie showed up to school the next day, he looked like a mess. There were dark bags under his eyes, his hair looked far messier than usual, and he was wearing a black teeshirt with barely visible stains on it due to the dark color — his joggers in the same condition. On his shoulders laid a floral button up, though none of the buttons were actually up. Instead of flailing around the hallway as he usually did, his feet covered by red vans dragged their way through Derry High School on his way to his first class, history.

As soon as Richie stepped foot into the classroom, he was greeted by Mike Hanlon - the smartest kid in that class due to his interest in the subject. “Hey, Rich. How was your Sunday?”

“It was, uhm, interesting,” Richie mumbled while rubbing his eyes. He hadn’t been able to sleep the last night, feeling unsafe because of the starfish. The curly haired boy looked up with terrified eyes, “Do you ever feel like you’re being watched?”

“What do you mean?” Mike asked as though he had to provide evidence for the question there was a correct answer to.

“So I tried texting Eds yesterday,” Richie began, “but I accidentally texted someone else.”

“How?”

“I wrote Eddie’s number on my hand, but it smiled so I inferred what the last disfigured character was.”

“Seems like something you’d do,” Mike nodded along.

“Hey, listen to my problem before you make fun of me,” Richie said with a glare. “So I text the person, ‘what’s up, eds?’ and they responded, ‘no, this is partick’.”

Mike hummed along as he listened to his friend’s story. He wanted to ask if it was just Eddie joking with Richie, as the two always did, but decided against it because of the genuine fear the latter had in his eye(ball, heh)s.

“I apologize for texting him, but he continued the conversation,” Richie explained while continuing his story. “We we’re talking and he sent me a picture. Dude, this guy is a fucking starfish. I one-hundred precent thought he sent me a dick pic due to how pink he was!”

The history boy began to chuckle at his friend’s story. Despite acting like they disliked the jokes Richie told, all of the losers found them quite funny — Ben was he only one to acknowledge he actually enjoyed hearing his jokes to encourage him to continue.

“So I, being the goddamn fool I am, sent him a picture of me flipping Bev off — the one you took.”

“Sorry to intervene, but you’re literally glowing in the picture,” Mike cut in, “I wouldn’t want to date you, but that’s a Would Smash picture.”

“Dude, that’s what the dick fish said! Also, why don’t you wanna go out with me?”

Mike sighed. Richie was always oblivious when it came to feelings; it was quite obvious Richie already had his eye out for a special someone. “Please just continue your story,” Mike pleaded, not wanting to confront anyone about feelings today.

Before Richie could finish his story, the teacher began talking, causing the class to quiet down. After History, Richie went to P.E., the only class he had alone. Following P.E. was Biology with Bill, then AP English with Eddie.

Finally, it was time for lunch, a period everyone had together. Richie and Eddie walked to their usual table together, where everyone else already was. The two sat down, Eddie was on Ben’s left, and Richie to Stan’s right.

Everyone greeted each other in the usual way, which may be considered rude from an outsiders view, but calling one another “asshole” was just their thing. There were separate conversation all around the table until Mike brought them all together. “So, Richie. Would you like to continue your stalker story?”

The group of friends’ attention had been brought to the y’all boy with glasses now. He began telling the story, with a few interruptions of Eddie giving Richie his phone number again, and Bev chanting that Patrick likes Richie.

“But guys, it gets even weirder. You know how I run that fucking amazing Tumblr account?” Richie continue his story. Everyone nodded in agreement before the boy told them, “He made himself an account just to follow me. His URL is ‘patrick-lives-under-a-rock’, his avatar is a close up picture of his face, and the only blog follows is me.”

“If you’re going to get so creeped out by it, why’d you give him your URL in the first place?” Stan questioned with his eyes narrowed.

“You see, Stan the Man, that’s where my concern comes from.” Richie yells, flailing his arms around, “I never gave him my URL.”

“He can’t just find your fucking Tumblr,” Eddie told him. “You’re URL is literally ‘trashking’ and, from the conversation you’ve shared, he doesn’t even know how consistently you swear.”

“Ah, good catch, Eddie Spaghetti. That’s why I think he’s fucking stalking me.”

Ben contorts his face with confusion and asks, “Why don’t you just block his number. There’s a lesser chance of him stalking you if he can’t contact you.”

“Benny Boy, what would I do without you?” Richie asks, grateful for his shorter friend.

“Probably get killed by a stah-stay-stalker,” Bill suggested.

The conversation the went to normal; Stan, Bill, and Mike discussing their weekends and figuring out the meanings of dreams, Ben and Bev holding hands while planning their next study date, and Richie making sexual jokes to Eddie, who seemed to have a response for each.

In that moment, the starfish in Bikini Bottom had been forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stop reading this, go outside even if it’s cold, read IT, watch spongebob, anything. but if you’re gonna keep reading,, sorry about how long this took to update. i haven’t been feeling well and i’m just anxious about school — what’s new. i hope you enjoyed this update of “no, this is patrick” :)) sorry the ending is kinda rushed, i promised myself i’d update tonight and i did so,, ya


	5. let’s talk love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick confronts Spongebob about his new love interest.

partick never revived a repli from ratchet, so her wondered o’re to the krusty krab. he intended to take abt the newlywed fownd Love of His Life™️. he wacked in and was greeted wit the sound of fsih talkng.

“hi, spongeborb!” patrick sayed going strate to the bake.

sponge bob laffy-taffied in that horidable toen. “hey, booty!”

“i need to y’all to you about smthin,” he toad him serisly.

“shots!”

“so i meat this human”

oh my dog! how?”

“he texed me and i saint him a picture of me self and he told me i was beutifle!”

“dat’s amazing, patrck! r u too datting now?”

“obviously! he reported with a picture of himself. he also nly has on figure!”

“you to are like,, soulmates!”

“i no’!”

“wen’s the wedding?”

“we havny talked abt that yeet”

“o, ok. what’d his name?”

“hes nam’s richie and he’s extrmle petty”

befor patrick cold shiw spongybobby the picture, mr. krabes come in goong “argargagargargeeee!”

once he lied eyes on patrick, he went “get out me kitchen, boyyo!”

paritck ran out an lifted his rack to slipe underneath. he textsed his manz and asked, “wehn are we getting married”

prtick massage did n’y gt a response, so he won’t only to tumbler and cheeked richy’s vkook.

their was a noon post sayin “when your man knows correct grammar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DID NOT INTEND VLOG TO AUTOCORRECT TO VKOOK, BITCHSJFNDK. okay, i fucking DESPISE writing the patrick chapters. the horrendous grammar mistakes make me wanna kermit. but yea, as always, i hope you enjoyed this chapter — idk why. have a nice day and happy holidays :)


	6. productive day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of a seventeen year old high school student is usually unproductive. But for Richie, his day wasn’t very uneventful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more of a filler chapter but it’s important. i was gonna update this earlier but i'm a little shit who can't wRite. i was slightly distracted while writing this because i was watching up simultaneously.

At the end of the school day, Richie immediately went to his locker to pack up. He grabbed his old, green backpack from his locker. Due to how aged the bag was, there were rips in it and was going to fall apart soon. Nevertheless, Richie shoved his folders, notebooks, pencil case, textbooks, and English books into his bag before zipping it up. He threw the back over his shoulder and lazily walked outside, feet dragging on the floor. Since the person he was anticipating to come had not yet arrived, he leaned lightly against the bike rack where his bike was kept during school days.   
  
He only stood out there for a minute until Eddie came over to where he was located. Richie pushed himself off the rack and approached the smaller boy. “You’re house or mine?” He asked as soon as the two were close enough to hear one another.

 

Eddie shifted a bit nervously, “My mom isn’t home, so my house is fine.”

 

“What a shame, I was hoping to spend some alone time with her.” He wiggled his eyebrows while responding. They began walking in the direction of Eddie’s house, while the latter leaned into him.

 

“Shut up, you ass.” Nevertheless, he smiled. Despite acting as though he hated Richie and all of his jokes, Eddie found them quite enduring (no matter her disturbing or vulgar they were). The two kept a steady small talk on the way over; discussing their days - even parts they had already mentioned -; the newest episode of Shameless; what homework they have to work on even though they’ll procrastinate from it. 

 

After a fifteen minute walk that would’ve been long for anyone else but felt like nothing to them, they arrived at Eddie’s house. They immediately raided the kitchen for all sorts of unhealthy food and brought it to the the living room along with their backpacks. 

 

“Make sure you don’t spill anything,” the owner of the house warned while plopping down onto the recliner chair his mom usually sat in. “The slightest crumb and my mom won’t even go to visit her sisters again in fear that I’ll trash the entire place”

 

“Oh yeah, because she just knows how much you love to party with your plethora of friends,” the taller boy remarked while squeezing into the chair with him. Eddie rolled his eyes and opened his backpack to pull out his binder containing his homework. Richie opened the bag of chips and started loudly munching on them. “So,” he began with his mouth full, “what are we watching tonight?”

 

Eddie thought about it for a moment and compiled a mental list of shows or movies to watch. “There’s Steven Universe, BFG, Hannah Montana, Moonrise Kingdom-”

 

“Moonrise Kingdom, yeah,” Richie interrupted, “We haven’t watched that one in a while.” So the two made their way onto Netflix and searched the movie. They found it and put it onto the television. Eddie pulled out the homework he was assigned in math, took one look at it, sighed, and put his school supplies down. Instead, he picked up a Mountain Dew and box of Cheez-Its and just enjoyed the movie.

 

In the movie, the two kids just arrived at the beach and were dancing to ‘ Le Temps de l'Amour’. Richie looked over to Eddie who was intently watching the movie, even though the two of them had seen it hundreds of times. He noticed the way the latter’s eyes began to get watery from not blinking, how he’d squirm when the twelve-year-olds kissed one another, and only stopped staring when he closed his eyes to chug some of his drink. 

 

“You know,” Richie began speaking without noticing at first, “we’re pretty similar to Sam and Suzy.”

 

Eddie looked over and made eye contact with the other boy, he’s cheeks flushed. “You mean, besides the kissing, of course.”

 

Richie lifted his eyes up as though to think for a moment before looking back at Eddie. “Well, we could. If you want to, obviously. I’m not forcing you to or anything.”

 

Eddie’s eyes widened and his cheeks grew hotter. “I- we- you- uh. Are you insisting that we should kiss?”

 

“Like I said, only if you want to. Ya know, just act like I didn’t say anything. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to ruin what we have,” he quickly began sputtering out. Finally, he calmed down once he heard Eddie’s soft laugh.

 

“I would actually like to take you up on that offer,” Eddie told him while cupping the curly haired boys cheek. The two were now blushing and connected their lips in a brief, chaste kiss. It would have lasted longer if Richie hadn’t opened his mouth again.

 

“Wait, what does this mean now?” He asked while Eddie sighed.

 

“Well, we  _ could _ date. I mean, just a suggestion,” he responded.

 

“Yeah. Me and you together would be a power couple,” Richie exclaimed and quirked his eyebrow up.

 

“First of all, it’s ‘you and I’.” Eddie informed his and Richie groaned. “Secondly, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. We only shared one kiss.”

 

“Well, maybe we could share some more,” Richie quietly responded without any hesitation in an attempt at sounding seductive.

 

“Anything to make you shut your mouth,” Eddie told him. Just as he pulled Richie into another kiss, the latter’s phone went off - indicating he received a message. Richie slouched back in his chair in annoyance. He turned on his phone and read the text.

 

‘whens tha weding?’ the message read. It was from the starfish who he mistakenly texted. He remembered the advice Ben gave him to block his number, and attempted to do so. But because he was so preoccupied in Eddie, he only put the number on ‘Do Not Disturb’.

 

Eddie saw the slightly distressed look on Richie’s face and asked, “Who was that?”

 

“Oh, just that weirdass starfish. It’s okay, though. I blocked his number so now we won’t have to worry about him anymore,” he reassured the concerned boy. 

 

The two spent the rest of the night kissing, watching television, and doing their homework. Richie helped Eddie in Math, while Eddie edited Richie’s English paper. At eight that night, Eddie received a call that his mom would be home in five minutes, prompting Richie to pack up and take a five minute walk home. He gave Eddie one last kiss for the night before taking his commute home.

 

When he got home, he decided to make it official on the one platform that meant most to him - Tumblr. He didn’t want to just make a dumb post about how he’d admired Eddie for years and finally gotten his dream boy, so instead he casually stated, “Just remember, date your best friend who knows English well enough to edit your school essays.” 

 

He went to bed early, since he already completed his homework with Eddie and only browsed the internet for an hour. Before falling asleep, he sent the correct Eddie contact a goodnight message. As he slipped into a dream, not a single thought of the pink sea creature invaded his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okie dokie, but if you didn’t predict richie and eddie getting together — especially since i’m writing it — then boyyo where iz you. sorry if any of the richie chapters have spelling errors, i don't edit it because i love being unproductive. also, not to sound desperate or anything but, please leave comments or smthin. they could be rude, nice, or have nothing to do with the story!! tell me about how your dog got a piñata for easter or something, and i’ll enjoy it :) have a great day/evening/night


	7. hitme up daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> patrick makes a friend and discovers kpop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my friend was like “u gotta update no, this is patrick” and i told her not until a bts comeback because bitch, i miss them bUt,, i will. for her :( also, i’m sorry i had to add the Boyz™ into this,, they’re just my main fandom (as u would know if u follow my tumblr that i’m not bouta shout out because i’m a mystery mOfo). annnnyways, enjoy

patric was sad. he’s boyfiend nevr even respondd to him!!! he wis verie confused as to y since the boi mad a whole tumbler post abojt him!!!

patretically, he walked around bakini bra wit his ehead hangibn. suddnely! he heard the sond of a engine i n the distance. he tuned around and saw a car spedding down the road!!!

he was sko cked, so he hoped into a boat and sped sgter the car, other fish in it and all.

they met a red light,’much like the cars appreabce, and got outra it to meat up. “kachow, i’m lightnight mcqueen” the vroom vroom said.

“km patrick” he said in response.

they instantly became friends. the y went to patricks hard, solid rock and went inside. partcc told lightning all anohgbt richie, HIS BOYFRIENDs,. lightning then told partic aboyt hitman bang.

“who the frick is that?” patjck questioned.

“i’m staright and not attracted to himans but him and his band are fucking dAaaaddeis” lightnibg mcqueen told him.

“what band?”

“bts” partick whipped. out his laptop and opwned tumblr. he searhed up the band.

“wow, theyre almost ad hOt as my boyfriend” he told him. they watched many budeos before doign back onto tumblr.

“who is soap?” patrick questioned.

“ihhhh, yojngi and jhoep. theyre like,, dstinf”

oh cool” patrick said

“but so is everyone els in the band. no on is actually dayinf. they just act cute togethed”

 “cool,” parrick daid .

lightning mcqueen slept over and they had fun. before falling adleep, patrick sent richu pne last text “love you, abbe. goodnigt”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh ho hooooo. lightning mqueen is hEre!! also, i mentioned sope because that’s the entire yoongi tag lmAo, in my good 2seok/ym household??? yea sure, i rlly like their dynamic. anyways, hope u enjoyed, have a nice day :))


	8. From the Other Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, i know it's been a while but a lotta rough things are going on in my life rn...  
> 1\. one of my friends failed his class because he took a picture of some teacher's feet in the bathroom and now we don't have any classes together  
> 2\. a girl from a school nearby was fucked by her dog and i can't look at my little gremlin the same. said gremlin peed on my floor today  
> 3\. i accidentally made friends with someone from a whole different continent  
> 4\. my math teacher has an art degree  
> 5\. finn wolfhard continues to own my whole ass.... heart  
> 6\. kirby is the best nintendo video game of all time and we stan so fucking hard  
> pls enjoy, i have a lot of ideas for this fic and i just want it to thrive

Richie POV

uhmmmmmmmmmmmmm

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter of “no, this is patrick”! If you want to, leave some feedback. This story is dedicated to my personal v team, who made up this dumb idea with me ♡♡♡


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